ALL MOUTH NO TROUSERS

It’s goodnight from him, and it’s goodnight from me.

The Premiership’s Morecambe & Wise moment.

You can tell that the cricket season has started. The final overs of the football season were marked by a rush of players joining Fergie to draw stumps on their sporting careers.

By the final whistle, what had started off as just a pageant to the golden generation (Becks, Scholes, Owen and if we’re being generous, Carragher), became a retirement stampede of golden oldies, as footballers across the land stepped into the team bath for the last time. Even the referees were at it.

So far we’ve managed to resist this craze, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this now. Though there have been moments when we’ve thought about throwing in the towel, somehow the idea seems as appealing as walking out on a movie that you’ve long queued to get into and spent a fortune on popcorn once inside.

Fittingly, quite a few pundits have turned to the movies to summarise the season that has just ended. The BBC’s Colin Murray couldn’t resist a reference to Quantum of Solace to describe a campaign which he thought “lacked a real climax and, if truth be told, we’d worked out what was going to happen well before the final credits”. Whilst the excellent Barney Ronay, writing in the Guardian, makes mischief with Beckham and Superman, before saving his best for a wonderful characterisation of John Terry’s podium friendly, wardrobe changes, which have turned him into “the kind of boy who insists on wearing his Spider-Man suit to a wedding.”

One movie this season certainly hasn’t been is the Great Escape. Instead of joining Tom and Dick, ‘Arry’s tunnel at QPR ended up so far short of the barbed-wire fence that it might have been quicker to wait for the war to end. And it would seem that Roberto Martinez finally preferred the silver parachute of the FA Cup rather than another season digging for victory at Wigan.

For the London clubs the only film in town was Groundhog Day. Arsenal and Chelsea end yet another season in the top 4 – again at the expense of Spurs – and Sam Allardyce makes West Ham as resilient as every team he’s ever managed. Just like last year, the concluding spectrum of expectations for what lies down the yellow brick road for each club contains all the colours of the rainbow. From the implausible blocks of gold at the Bridge (we like to call it Russian Racing Yellow), to the paler hues of French Impressionism at the Emirates, to the stormy brooding blues and blacks at the Lane, a colourful summer appears to beckon.

We’ll see who makes the biggest splash very shortly when the transfer activity kicks off. Before then a final chance to see if anyone made a splash predicting the final games of the season.

THE FINAL TABLES

On a last day marked by a palpable absence of drama, unless you count Spurs’ failure to better Arsenal’s result at Newcastle, the scores had a whiff of pre-season about them. Notably at the Etihad where Norwich marked the post-Mancini era by walking off with the points and of course at the Hawthorns, where Fergie added to his collection of unrepeatable career numbers with a 5-5 draw to conclude his 1500th game in charge.

Very possibly you had to be an old pro to have seen any of this coming, which explains why Lawro sits smugly on top of our final table of the season. Though with a relatively modest 11 points to his name he’s really just the tallest dwarf in town, which we knew anyway, as those shirt collars he wears on Match Of The Day were clearly designed for a bigger man.

As ever you will find a full breakdown of all the predictions for week 38 of the season on the results page. Tearing a page from the UEFA coaching manual may we suggest that some of you print them off and stick them to the wall of your caravan this summer. Apart from providing a welcome distraction from watching the rain clouds form, it may provide that extra motivation you need to do better next season.

Normally this is the point when we ask you to exercise that prediction finger to make your forecasts for the forthcoming weekend. In the absence of any Premier League action, and if you haven’t already done so, we are hoping that our brief blog survey (see the link below) might satisfy any cravings to exercise those forefinger muscles.

THE BLOG SURVEY

Tags: Colin Murray, Fergie, football predictions

Comments 1 Comment
Categories Premier League 2012/13
Author sporting mouth

As a mark of respect please read this standing up.

13 May

In a break from tradition football supporters
don’t stand up to hate Man U.

A good part of last week was devoted to explaining to Statto that Sir Alex Ferguson hadn’t died. Not paying attention in class, our Brazilian statistician had assumed that the sudden media wave of Fergie retrospection had been triggered by the great man’s demise.

Even though it was hard to explain the difference between an obituary and the tsunami of Fergie content that has subsequently engulfed us, Statto’s penny has finally dropped that Fergie’s still around. So why did he resign, he asked, in that way statisticians have of searching for logic in everything?

At AMNT Towers we like to give conspiracy theories a bigger spin than you’ll get in the average launderette. We think that the country’s surprisingly lukewarm response to United winning a 20th title gave Ferguson the hump. It suddenly dawned on him that he’d reached that point in sporting life where the continuous plunder of titles bizarrely works in reverse, to create increasingly hollow victories (one could even call this Fergie’s law, though Celtic fans might dispute that).

Fergie’s problem was that 20 titles is so beyond comprehension that people have stopped comprehending it. Throw in the Salford factor, with many people in Old Trafford’s catchment area being unaware about what comes after the number 20 (one of the problems of cigarette pack maths), it became clear to Fergie that the numbers game was finally up. If he really wanted us all to continue to genuflex he was going to have to go one step further and finally cash in on longevity too.

One can imagine the “they’ll bloody well remember me now” breakfast speech in the Ferguson household on the morning of last week’s announcement, almost as clearly as one can now imagine the “bloody hell what have I done” one, in the Moyes kitchen this morning. The reality of course is that he hasn’t gone anywhere. Like an interminable Tolkien tale, with you-know-who as Gandalf, and his successor (who is even starting to look like one) playing the Hobbit, this looks like it has the legs to run all the way to Mordor and back.

Yet in bidding him a temporary farewell we’d like to remind Fergie that whilst some people may have retired, others are still hard at work trying to fathom whether the last twist of the season has anything more to squeeze out. The final round of games will be reviewed later in the week when we publish the results from last weekend. You can start to predict them now by clicking on the magic link below.

Whilst you do that please also click on our Blog survey link. This will take you a few seconds (there are only 6 questions) yet it could save us hours of working out what to do during the close season. Whilst it’s a totally anonymous survey anyone failing to complete it will be called back early from their summer holidays for extra training.

THE FINAL MAGIC LINK

THE BLOG SURVEY

Tags: Alex Ferguson, David Moyes, Fergie, Gandalf, Hobbit

Comments 3 Comments
Categories Premier League 2012/13
Author sporting mouth

Fergie leaves Rovers Return under new management.

9 May

One way to keepy uppy with the rumour mill at Old Trafford.

He’s finally off and it looks like he’s taking the ball with him.

26 years ago television broadcasters could confidently expect to have half the country on tenterhooks for the latest instalment of their flagship soap operas and Alex Ferguson was just another football manager.

Today those roles are reversed. Coronation Street is presumably still just a short cab ride from Sir Matt Busby Way, but nobody cares any more about who owns the sweet shop. Instead all eyes are now on David Moyes, a man who is presumably about to spend the next phase of his life at the end of a rather pointy stick.

Only time will tell whether people in Salford will return to watching soaps now that Fergie is moving on. Brought up on the certainties that United’s manager is always a corrosive Glaswegian, and Ken Barlow is always on the brink of a comeuppance, has been a massive dollop of reassurance in uncertain times. With Ken now on the brink of joining that growing band of 1970s British television stars who weren’t entirely in character off-screen, and Fergie about to exchange the dugout for a padded seat in the director’s box, it’s fair to say that life may never be the same again in this part of the world again and the void created by Fergie’s retirement could become permanent.

LATEST TABLES AND SURVEY RESULTS

As regular readers will recognise, nobody knows more about filling voids than AMNT. That’s why instead of casually adding to the bonfire of speculation that surrounds our beautiful game we’re of the firm view that prediction is the best way forward. Making finite pronouncements about sporting events that have infinite possibilities may be a mug’s game to some, but we’d rather be a mug than a teapot, which are invariably all spout and no trousers.

To see who was a mug last weekend check out the latest tables (this week one player kicked everyone else’s butts so hard that we’ll all need cushions to sit on for the remainder of the day). In the meantime, we asked you last week to nominate the candidates for the mugs of the season – the team, player and manager who in your opinion have been the most all mouth no trousers this term. Here is what everyone thinks:

AMNT 2012/13 Season Awards
Team: 1. Man City. 2. QPR 3. Liverpool
Player: 1. Rooney. 2. Terry. 3. Suarez
Manager: 1. Redknapp. 2. Mancini. 3. Wenger.

In addition to marking your cards for this season’s penultimate round of Premiership fixtures (see Magic Link below), we’re also asking you to let us know what you think about this blog. We have plans aplenty to develop AMNT but your point of view is a key part of the process, so please take part in our blog survey. You should find it more rewarding than watching the soaps.

THE MAGIC LINK

BLOG SURVEY

Tags: Alex Ferguson, Coronation Street, David Moyes, Ken Barlow

All you need is love (and a little cuddle from the 4th official).

3 May

Like springtime, love is in the air everywhere across the football world right now. We first sensed this might be the case when Statto started to take longer than usual lunch breaks. Either he’s moonlighting for some other start-up football business, or his heart has gone ping with a springtime realisation that ultimately, at the end of the day, when the ref has finally blown for time and all those hot dog wrappers have been recycled, all you need is love.

That’s certainly the way Jose Mourinho sees it, who will be returning to these shores (and making his AMNT debut) next season. According to our favourite tabloid, the Special One is in need of the kind of cuddle that can only be provided by 40,000 blokes wearing replica Chelsea shirts – a condition that some of our wives might recognise.

Fittingly, in the week that Mourinho declared his need to be loved above all else, the world finally fell out of love with the tiki taka Iberian take on football that has monopolised our planet ever since Mrs Messi first read about growth hormones. As one of our favourite reads, the Guardian’s Fiver remarked, “Like the demise of a much-loved 1980s American soap opera featuring glamorous women with big hair and even bigger shoulder pads, Bayern Munich’s beasting of Barcelona seemed to signal the end of a Dynasty.”

THE WEEKEND’S FIXTURES

Fortunately the Premier League is at least temporarily immune to dynastic collapse. Unless you count the relegation of Reading and QPR as the end of a football era (which we don’t), the teams on show this weekend haven’t had the chance to be thrashed in major European competition this season, because none of them made it as far as the punishment room. (And as even the most one-eyed Chelsea fan will admit, the Europa League doesn’t count).

So instead of watching our football gods perform with feet of clay, we’re instead now all loving the Germans for ridding us of the tyranny of that irritating short passing game. Whilst the role of European liberator isn’t often associated with Germans (the jackboot’s on the other foot this time), we think they wear it well and have temporally forgiven them for many of their former indiscretions (though perhaps not that fondness for stonewashed denim).

Unfortunately there aren’t many Germans to love in this weekend’s round of Premier League matches. Neither the Merseyside derby, or United’s game with Chelsea, or Sunderland’s encounter with Stoke (with the possible exception of Robert Huth), will be rich with German flair. But don’t let that put you off predicting the outcome of these teutonic encounters, click on the magic link below to enter them if you haven’t already done so. Whilst we can’t promise next week’s winner some of the trappings of Jose’s love (like the £10m annual salary he’s rumoured to get), we’ll make every effort to give them a great big cuddle.

DER MAGIK LINKEN

Tags: German, José Mourinho, Merseyside derby, Premier League

Calls to form a guard of honour get a lukewarm response.

30 Apr

Click on the image to see what happens.

With some reluctance the staff at AMNT Towers have been deliberating whether to form a guard of honour to commemorate the worthy winners of this season’s title.

Whilst Manchester United might feel quite excited about this prospect, we’re not in fact referring to the Barclays Premiership gong but our award to the club who this season has been decidedly all mouth no trousers.

This has become a contentious issue because AMNT union representatives feel that the candidate clubs have sufficiently run the gauntlet of public humiliation during the past 35 weeks, to make any further ceremony of their inability to put lead into pencil a needlessly cruel taunt.

The management view, possibly shaped by schooling in the Thatcherite age of cruel taunts (loadsamoney etc.), is that unions need to work on their sense of humour and give the public a bit more of what they want. And unless you are called Fernando, a little more humiliation never did anyone any harm.

As with all industrial disputes we may yet reach some compromise agreement. Perhaps it will be one like those facing some of the players at Loftus Road this morning, who are learning that a walk-on part in Arry’s Great Escape blockbuster has halved their chances of being box office attractions elsewhere. Redknapp’s attempts to turn QPR into more than a bunch of letters has ended with them descending in alphabetical order (Pretty Quickly Relegated), something QPR’s owner probably feels is poetic injustice. He’s right too.

Being a democratic bunch (that Thatherite schooling again) we’d prefer to wait till the votes are counted before deciding on the identity of this season’s pantomime acts. You’ll shortly have an opportunity to nominate yours when you enter your predictions for the next round of games.

LATEST TABLES

Now that Statto has analysed last weekend’s entries, we have to feel a little sympathy for all of our pundits, because large parts of north eastern Britain seemed to disappear into the sea in the last 72 hours.

Shipping goals like a trawlerman with nets bigger than his catch, the Geordie teams conceded six apiece, with only a single fishy in the dishy in reply. Predictably nobody saw that coming and we will be writing to the FA to ask how a region once famed for bare chested defiance in sub zero temperatures can become a hotbed of frilly shirted surrendering when the thermometer gets above 9 degrees.

Fortunately the prediction fairy was sprinkling her dust elsewhere, putting smiles on the faces of all those who knew that Arsenal and United would draw and that Spurs would drop points at a place like Wigan.

As Lawro managed 8 points this week (he got the right scores at Stamford Bridge and the Emirates), anything higher than that entitles you to a job at the BBC. As you contemplate what to put on the application form, don’t forget to enter your predictions for the big matches coming up this weekend. Anyone getting a perfect score will be entitled to a guard of honour.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: football predictions, Guard of honour, Loftus Road, Premier League

Now Suarez takes a chunk out of Fergie’s achievement.

23 Apr

Fergie fails to realise that biting his own finger isn’t headline news.

Our commiserations go to Sir Alex Ferguson this morning. The team he thought that he’d knocked off its perch has found a cunning way of gaining revenge.

What should be a week of walking in a Fergie wonderland, as United celebrate a 20th title, has instead become a festival of soundbites about that bite.

Suarez has achieved what Liverpool can’t any more, biting United where it hurts and stealing the headlines of their thunder. The No. 20 bus may have at last come along, but with Liverpool’s No. 7 still trending on the world’s superhighway there’s not a big queue waiting to climb on board.

Being a thoroughly impartial bunch our sympathies in this affair also extend to Uruguay’s favourite carnivor. There’s probably a part of each of us which entertains taking a lump out of someone on the field of play, unless dear Luis has already eaten it. We suspects Suarez masticates for one and all, if only we’d admit it.

QPR fans know this, as do Evertonians, who poles apart on any football proficiency scale, probably recognise that a bit more bite last weekend and their collective outlook today would be different. Spare a thought also for those Chelsea fans who might have wanted Suarez to bite their manager rather than their centre back.

As you will see in our latest tables there was good cause to feel hard bitten during the last few days. This week’s winners romped home with only 2 correctly forecast scores and 5 correct results. Whilst that was still 3 more points than Lawro achieved, the bragging rights like our friend Luis could be a little muted.

Unlike him we’ll all be back on the pitch this weekend, so please click on the magic link to join us and enter your predictions. They promise to be a collection of real nail biters.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: Alex Ferguson, Liverpool, Suarez, United

20 reasons we’re grateful for the lack of a title race.

16 Apr

We’re just glad that he isn’t modelling the underwear range.

According to confidential sources we’re about to be deluged by a wave of twenty-something sporting paraphernalia. The Lancashire cotton mills have been working overtime on a range of commemorative merchandise for United’s landmark achievement of winning a 20th title.

As retailers brace themselves for a tide of XXXL custom, our scouts have been out and about to take the football pulse of the nation. Are you bothered that this seasons title race is six week’s shorter than last year? Do you feel miffed that the points difference between 1st and 2nd place is likely to be wider than the QPR bench? And are you really concerned that the Premiership trophy has just become a shuttle-cock, moving from one side of Manchester to the other?

The results of our enquiry are so shocking that whilst we feel duty bound to tell the world about it, we’re also worried for its potential impact on Sir Alex Ferguson and his duo decennial moment. For whilst there is grudging respect for United’s achievement, it seems that the indecent haste shown by them in winning this year’s main gong has left many of our pundits feeling that the crowning moment has come too early. By the time that No. 20 double-decker bus has chugged its way around Manchester we’ll be too distracted by the perennial Premiership sideshows of European and relegation spots to give a fig about where the title landed.

Though we won’t be rushing to buy any more football merchandise – O Statto’s collection of Brazilian World Cup figurines dominates the shelves of AMNT Towers so much that there isn’t even space for a commemorative ref’s whistle – we do hope that United’s twenty-somethings will be properly recognised for their landmark event when it comes. Then it’s back to the 20 reasons we don’t care about the title race and the far more serious business of predicting the scores for this coming weekend.

We’ll have the results of round 33 after the final whistle of the mid-week fixtures. Until then if you feel a need to exercise that prediction finger please click on the link below and enter your forecasts for the next round of games.

The Magic Link

Tags: 20 titles, football prediction, Manchester, Premier League

‘Arry’s horse goes lame as pundits set new course record.

2 Apr

Is it game over for QPR?

It seems that ‘Arry Redknapp’s attempts to configure QPR into more than a bunch of letters may have failed.

Like a man with a bag full of consonants in a game of Scrabble, there seems little he can do now except pray that the latest turn of the Premiership managerial merry-go-round results in a few errant vowels being tossed his way – especially now that Paulo di Canio has come to the table.

Whilst nobody predicted that Fulham would beat QPR 3-2 last night, a majority of pundits correctly guessed the result in what turned out to be the most accurately predicted weekend of the season so far.

A whopping 64% of all results were correctly forecasted, up by about 50% on the season’s average. Unlike QPR we seem to be collectively improving, though just like the Hoops we’re less good at getting the right number in the back of the net (our shooting accuracy this weekend was only 17%).

Whilst we have long suspected that football prediction is a practice-makes-perfect endeavour, we’ll have to wait and see whether last weekend is part of a late surge in form or simply one of those blips that sometimes happens when the clocks go forward.

THE DECISIVE WEEKEND?

When the fixture list first generated the next set of matches everyone assumed that this would be the decisive weekend, as the great Mancunian powers come head-to-head at Old Trafford. Yet like an over zealous baby sitter, United put the title to bed so early that some folks might be having second thoughts about going out now.

Obviously they would be foolish to ignore the fascinating sub-plots that still threaten to make this the season when everyone forgot who came first. So make the sitter earn their corn and drink heavily and stay out late, but make sure you enter your predictions before doing so, and click on the magic link below.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: Harry Redknapp, Paolo Di Canio, Premier League, Scrabble

Is leaving the relatives the best part of visiting them?

26 Mar

Thank God the international break is nearly over and we’re almost home.

Have you noticed how much international football breaks are a bit like staying with the relatives? No sooner do you arrive than you start yearning for that car journey home and the end of all pretence that you and your bloodline have that much in common these days.

Whilst Uncle Roy would contest it vigorously (doesn’t he everything?), San Marino v England had little in common with a game of football, bar possibly one of those end of season testimonials when a few celebrities and veterans join in.

It certainly had nothing in common with Fulham v QPR or Man City v Newcastle (let alone Everton v Stoke) which are just some of the clashes returning to our screens this weekend, all of which have a lot more riding on them one suspects than a few World Cup qualifiers.

So what can we do about these moments of mid-seasonal football interruptus, that doesn’t leave us feeling like we’ve just spent a tedious hour or so in the company of an uncle we never much liked from the get-go?

If we weren’t quite so apathetic, we might start a campaign to persuade the FA to level the playing a field a little when matching up against part-time sides like San Marino. Perhaps we could copy them and also field a collection of electricians, plumbers, hoteliers and delivery men, instead of the customary occupants of the national jersey, and even up the prospect of a more balanced contest. Or has the influx of foreign workers now reached such a level that we’d struggle to generate much of a turnout from such occupations?

Fortunately in a few hours it wont matter. As the final whistles blow around the world, the nomadic national tribes of international football will hopefully, like one’s relatives, disappear via the rear view mirror at warp factor speed and we can get back to the task of predicting a decent set of football matches.

Once you’ve parked the car and unpacked the bags you’ll see that the welcome home mat for this weekend’s round of games is bristling vigorously (click the magic link to step inside).

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: England, football prediction, San Marino, World Cup

Oh Cypriot savers, how we share your pain today.

18 Mar

Did your prediction deposits disappear overnight?

One of the great and constant joys of saving money in banks is that your deposits generally don’t diminish overnight.

Yet like many a Cypriot saver this morning regular depositors of football predictions could be feeling that they’ve just been robbed.

Banking heavily on City, Liverpool, QPR and Spurs over the weekend probably seemed like a safe option at 12.45 on Saturday lunchtime.

By the time of the final whistle it was too late to do anything other than stare disbelievingly at the ranks of zeros in the points columns of our latest tables.

Oh how the mighty were fallen, as the title race probably ended in a whimper and ‘Arry’s great escape was rumbled by the searchlights at Villa Park. The race to discover which team will be shut out from banking the Euromillions of Champions League qualification is surely now the only undecided game in town.

And what a game it could be, as Rafa, Roberto, Arsene and AVB fight it out to either make deposits on next season or see their savings slump overnight. And only one of them has a guaranteed Bale out (sorry, no pun apologies offered).

Before we get around to watching it unfold we have the return of the international break. So just like those cashpoint machines in Nicosia the magic link is currently closed, as there are no Premiership games for this coming weekend. For the sake of all our Cypriot followers we hope both will be back in action next week.

Tags: Cyprus, Deposit account, football results, Premier League

The life of Brian foreshortened by public acclaim.

12 Mar

Left to right: Hughes, Di Matteo, Adkins and Mcdermott.

33 days after picking up the official Manager of the Month award Reading’s Brian Mcdermott has fallen victim to the textbook oligarch owner ploy of axing anyone who risks becoming too popular with the crowd.

As he joins the ranks of this season’s managerial crucifixions (see photo) we wonder if there will be any more, or has the season run too much of the course to warrant another public execution?

At the risk of being smug many at AMNT towers suspected this might be Mcdermott’s fate, yet in a well synchronised exercise of parapet ducking we decided not to tell anyone. After all, who likes a smart pundit?

If anyone does, they’ll have to dig deep to find one in this week’s tables. To be fair, with a fixture list containing only 6 Premier League matches (to accommodate the FA Cup quarter-finals), it was always going to be a tough ask to make double figures on this week’s scoreboard.

In this respect nobody disappointed us. 9 points was enough to secure top spot and anyone who made less than 6 had the dubious honour of standing in Lawro’s slipstream.

Talking of slipstreams, this coming weekend’s fixtures contain a number of over-taking scenarios (Aston Villa v QPR) as well as games where the managerial hot seat could break the thermostat (Everton v Man City, Swansea v Arsenal, Chelsea v West Ham and Sunderland v Norwich).

If you don’t stick your head above the parapet and enter your predictions, that will be your cross to bear. Click on the magic link below to nail your forecasts to the board.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: Brian Mcdermott, Premier League, Premier League Manager of the Month

North London ‘classico’ bucks trend of insignificant games.

6 Mar

The most crestfallen team of the week?

Have you noticed that by walking away with the title so early, Manchester United have single handedly emptied this season of a swathe of games of real significance?

Regardless of the comeuppance for this act of selfishness, in the form of last night’s early euro bath (ironically diminishing the significant games quotient even further), there is a burning sense of injustice that the cards were marked ‘red’ too early in the season and that the Premiership has suffered as a result.

Even the prospect of City going to Old Trafford in early April now seems a quiet family affair rather than the big street party of yesteryear. You sense that whatever Mancini does between now and then, United’s points advantage is only going in one direction, reducing the men in blue to the role of guard of honour, like reluctant ushers at a cousins wedding.

Obviously scarcity is the very mother of demand, so it’s little surprise that Tottenham’s victory over Arsenal (get up and stand in the corner if you didn’t see that coming), soaked up so many column inches in the aftermath of Sunday afternoon. It certainly had the feel of a classico, even if north London is to paella what the Bernabeu presumably is to pie and mash.

Once again Bale lead the most famously old testament team in the league one step closer to the promised land, as one team’s Genesis became anothers’ potential Exodus from European competition. Sunday school teachers would have been excused for taking the afternoon off and sending their charges to White Hart Lane for all the passages of biblical significance on offer. It was that kind of game.

Sadly none of this mattered a jot to hard-bitten pundits for whom the entire spectacle was just another 3-point opportunity. As the latest tables show, many of us anticipated the impact of Bale in what turned out to be the most successfully predicted weekend of the season. Perhaps practice makes perfect after all.

The acid test will obviously be whether this form continues. Whilst hardly meriting the term ‘classico’, the fixture list has cunningly conspired to create a weekend of games coming up that are either genuine 6-pointers, as Reading take on Villa and QPR play host to Sunderland, or simply intriguing pairings, culminating with (you guessed it) the return of the Gareth Bale show, as Spurs go to Anfield on Sunday.

If that doesn’t make your prediction finger twitch with excitement, doubtless nothing will, so enter your forecast now by clicking on the magic link below. If you don’t, just like Fergie last night, we may become too distraught to talk.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: Fergie, football predictions, gareth bale, Premier League

Comments 2 Comments
Categories Premier League 2012/13
Author sporting mouth

Mourinho for Pope, but Bale is the most likely Saint.

27 Feb

Bale annoints himself before entering the promised land.

Last week we asked you which footballing figure should be the new Pope. You annointed Jose, by the thinnest of margins, with a healthy dose of suspected Fenian humour in those cast for Sir Alex Ferguson, who as we know is already Pope in some parts of the world.

If only we’d known that our poll of matters celestial would coincide with the footballing equivalent of the second coming, as God wearing studs, in the form of Gareth Bale, descended from heaven to lead Spurs to the Promised Land.

Bale’s a bit too young to be Pope, even if the prospect of watching him burst through a pack of Cardinals at full pace would be worth paying the entrance fee to St. Peter himself. He might rightly have higher ambitions too. Anyone lucky enough to have seen what he did to West Ham on Monday night must be wondering what a club that gave the nickname ‘God’ to Glenn Hoddle will now have to coin for a proper Messiah.

THE COMING WEEKEND

The only disappointment for all football pundits is that this weekend’s north London derby between Arsenal and Spurs already has a pre-determined outcome. A 90th minute winner from the man with the halo in his feet is already being replayed by a bunch of angels in the sky. You can practically hear the bar talk, “the archangel Michael used to make the ball dip like that, just before he got red-carded”.

It might surprise you to learn that at AMNT towers we now know how God feels. He goes and puts his footballing son on planet Earth and we all ignore him. Only one pundit correctly foresaw Spurs come-back win on Monday night. Oh ye of little faith.

No wonder the latest results have so many pundits stuck in limbo (which this week was 8-points, the score managed by Lawro).

If there’s one lesson for all of us surely it must be that a collective failure to believe in the divine can cost you points. As you contemplate this coming weekend’s fixtures be sure to bear this in mind, our we’ll turn you into a pillar of salt.

There’s biblical brouhaha brewing in most of the weekend’s fixtures, let alone the one at White Hart Lane. Chelsea old boy Steve Clarke returns to see what further damage can be done to Roman’s temple of doom. City visit Villa Park hoping that one day United will drop points (though possibly not at home to Norwich) and Southampton might just be the dreaded coup de grace for ‘Arry’s increasing forlorn effort to turn QPR into something more than a bunch of letters.

That’s enough idle speculation. Time for the real thing, as you click the magic link (below) and enter your predictions for the coming weekend.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: football predictions, gareth bale, Mourinho, premiership, The Pope

Will the Papal vacancy interest Premier league managers?

12 Feb

If we’d asked you to predict which of the following was going to happen last week, either a Pope resigns or a Premier League manager, we wouldn’t have needed to disturb Statto for analysis of the answers. Wishful thinking aside (Chelsea fans in particular) most of us thought the papal seat was safe from the managerial merry-go-round. Happily now it isn’t, we can pontificate (see what we did there) a little on the suitability of a man from the touchline, rather than a man of the cloth, occupying the hot seat at St. Peter’s – as well as speculating aboutwhich team dear old Benedict might take on, now that he’s got more time on his hands. But more of that later.

LATEST TABLES

First we need to turn our attention to the latest tables. Following Liverpool’s 0-2 defeat to the Baggies last night (which absolutely nobody foresaw) the 26th week of the season is complete and ready for inspection. The games that earned the most points were inevitably at Stamford Bridge, White Hart Lane and Old Trafford. So if you didn’t score heavily here you were probably already in trouble. Remarkably one person did predict that Citeh would come unstuck on the coast, and this week’s table toppers all largely foresaw the inevitable stalemate between Norwich and Fulham, Villa finally having something to smile about and Tony Pulis in post-match chipper mood after battering Reading 2-1.

If you didn’t manage 6 points this week the penalty should be having to sport a moustache like Lawro’s for the next 7 days, since that was the sum total of his insight. However we’ll let you off if you enter your predictions for the next round of games.

Before you do that we’d like you to consider which football figure might be the most suitable candidate for the papal throne and which team currently could most use a bit of divine intervention with a former pontiff at the helm. You can enter your answers when you click on the divine link (see what we did there) below and we’ll publish the answers before there’s a puff of the white stuff coming out of the Vatican chimney.

Obviously your answers will depend on your view of what needs fixing. Anyone raised in an Irish laundry might reasonably surmise that St Peter’s could do with a no-nonsense reformer (Tony Pulis springs to mind). Sir Alex Ferguson obviously fits the age profile and would probably appeal to those who think the church should have a bit more silverware and a little less gold. And it probably goes without saying that a special job may need a special one to fill it. Mourinho spurning the hand of the devil (by returning to Chelsea) to kiss the hand of the god instead has a biblical elegance about it, even if it would upset the football writers.

THE DIVINE LINK

Tags: Alex Ferguson, Pope, Premier League, Tony Pulis

If you didn’t want to know how you scored, look away now.

5 Feb

Was this week the season’s Paula Radcliffe moment?

The 38 lap marathon that is the FA Premiership now enters its 26th week, which in running terms is that point when you realise that you took on too much water 10 miles back, yet are gasping for some form of refreshment before the finishing line.

As usual there isn’t a convenient bush to spare the blushes of that Paula Radcliffe moment and unless you’re Gazza, nobody is rushing to offer you a drink. Perhaps it’s time to take a deep breath and look at the results from last weekend.

To those who plodded on through the 25 week stage of the season, we salute you. And if you accumulated double digit points for your efforts we’d probably buy you a drink if our entertainment budget extended that far.

To anyone who banked on Everton thrashing Villa and Chelsea pipping Le Toon we can only say hard cheese, but if football was that easy to speculate about Lawro would be out of work. Though when the BBC’s main football pundit only gets 4 points (as he did this week) perhaps he should join his municipal brethren and sign on after all.

Of course that’s what we all should do, because the Premier League carnival is already spinning rapidly back into orbit, ringed by the link for the next round of games, which is now awaiting your autograph below.

If it’s the only thing you sign this week make sure you read the small print, unlike those poor French footballers who were lured to the north east of England on the promise that they’d be working with Alan DePardew.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: BBC, Paula Radcliffe, Prediction results, Premier League

The multi-tasking life of the pundit is stretched to the limit.

31 Jan

The one problem with mid-week Premier League fixtures is that they allow little time to digest the results before another set of fixtures arrives, brimming with intrigue and demanding to be forecasted. So you have our sympathy this week as you scrutinise the latest tables and simultaneously consider the possible outcomes of the coming weekend’s games. Talk about multi-tasking.

At least your challenge only involves a few clicks of the mouse. Spare a thought for Alan DePardew the manager at L’United de Newcastle, who thought he was managing a football team in the north east of Britain earlier this week, only to recently wake up to discover that the entire team and possibly half of the town had been transposed into a Gallic outpost. As poor Alan struggles to find French translations for ‘get stuck in son’ and other tactical niceties all you have to do is decide how they’ll fare against Chelsea.

One suspects Rafa Benitez might take advantage of his counterpart’s linguistic handicap and suggest some suitable phrases from the opposition dugout. And judging by Chelsea’s recent form that might be the only way for them to prevail.

Elsewhere we have the seasonal treat of United visiting a ground that has often proved unwelcoming (Craven Cottage). Whilst City will be anxious to prove that Liverpool remain subordinate to any side from Manchester, as Oldham recently demonstrated in the cup.

However, with the title race requiring more than a Devon Loch moment from Sir Alex Ferguson’s men to regain any sense of drama, it’s the battles at the bottom that might prove to be this week’s most enthralling. ‘Arry Redknapp, the winter transfer window’s favourite son, has seemingly repopulated QPR in the last 7 days, causing the locals to dust off the score to the Great Escape, ready to serenade this weekend’s visitors (Norwich City) in Saturday’s lunchtime game. 48 hours from now we’ll know which team hums and which one hums.

As time slips away don’t forget to click the magic link (below) to decide the fate of these games in advance. If you don’t, just like a few managers, you might find the tables on Monday morning too bleak to start the week.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: french, pardew, predictions, Premier League

The Cup shows its stocking, but it just isn’t shocking.

28 Jan

Is the FA Cup losing its appeal?

As many an old couple sitting on a park bench will quite openly admit if you ask, ultimately it just isn’t as exciting as it used to be.

The romance, tears and drama of yesteryear have given way to an acceptance that nothing is likely to quicken the pulse again, so no point raising hopes that it will.

And so it was with the weekend’s FA Cup games. Whilst football historians tried to drum up the significance of non-league teams making the 5th round and so many Premiership teams being beaten by pub teams, the sad fact of football life is that it doesn’t make the sap rise in the way that it once did.

Cup upsets simply don’t spill any more. Though that may be harsh if you’re a fan of Oldham or Luton or even Bradford City, the abiding message from the rest of the nation is in the words of the late Michael Winner, ‘calm down love, it’s only a commercial’.

Collective sighs of relief then for the immediate return of the Premiership programme. Two complete evenings of high octane excitement that should on paper thoroughly warm the park bench. Arsenal entertain Liverpool in possibly the most serious tie of the round, but there’s a hint of comedy with these nocturnal fixtures, so Spurs’ trip to Norwich and Chelsea’s to Reading could easily reward the slapstick lovers.

If you haven’t already done so and want to be in this week’s tables, you need to predict the outcomes before the first one kicks off on Tuesday evening, by clicking on the magic link below. We hope it gives you a tremble.

THE MAGIC LINK

Comments 1 Comment
Categories Premier League 2012/13
Author sporting mouth

How do you know if you’re any good at predicting football?

23 Jan

Paul Lambert discovers that God isn’ looking his way.

As the results of last weekend show, not everyone is blessed with the divine skills of being able to second guess what happens on the football pitch. But how do you really know whether you are any good at football punditry?

Obviously that’s one of the reasons that we created All Mouth No Trousers. Without being able to compare yourself with other people, preferably people you know, the prediction game seems a bit pointless – a bit like Paul Lambert’s quest to save the Midlands from yet more Championship football next season.

Because you can compare scores on AMNT, we can announce that if you scored anything higher than 9 points last weekend you are entitled to walk tall this week. 2 perfect scores and 3 correct results would give you this accumulation, which Statto has calculated as the average of all our predictions (what we call the Wisdom of the Crowd). Unfortunately it follows that anything below 9 points wasn’t very wise at all. But don’t take our word for it see for yourself by scrutinising the results page.

The 4th round of the FA Cup is set to interrupt the weekend programme once again, so the next round of Premiership games take place mid-week. As you contemplate the outcome of these matches you might be advised to consider the impact of night games on results, an abandoned dissertation topic from Statto’s university days. Needless to say, there’s an abundance of scientific proof that the presence of spotlights has an impact on goals scored, but it would be mean of us to spoil the fun by saying anything more. When you’ve done your own research don’t forget to click on the magic link below and enter your scores. You’ll notice that we’ve simplified the process of recording your predictions somewhat – again it would be mean of us to say more so see for yourselves.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: Paul Lambert, Premier League, statto, Wisdom of the Crowd

Pep doesn’t go to Hollywood, and Shebby doesn’t get to sing.

17 Jan

Shebby learns that Pep has chosen the Allianz over Ewood.

So now we know, Blackburn Rovers’ new ‘global advisor’, Shebby Singh, didn’t get his man and Pep Guardiola hasn’t gone to Hollywood or Ewood come to that.

It looks like that secret fondness for Bavarian lager got the better of him in the end and we better get used to the sight of Pep in leather chaps for a while to come.

At least this leaves the other chaps with a bit more foresight about what the following Premiership season has in stall for them. A summer long managerial merry-go-round at the top clubs seemed an inevitability only a few days ago. Yet Roberto Mancini now knows he’s less likely to be manager of Chelsea next season and if Mourinho confounds us all by also doing a Guardiola and not returning to the UK, then Benitez will also feel there’s one less man walking on his grave.

What bearing any of this has on this weekend’s fixtures is Shebby’s guess. Though even an Indian chicken farmer might recognise that London is the scene of the most high profile clashes (Chelsea v Arsenal and Spurs v Man Utd) with the rest of the country, like the weather, a probable white-out of deep and crisp and even looking pairings (West Ham v QPR, Wigan v Sunderland and even Newcastle v Reading).

Trying to predict the outcome of any of these games should be a lot harder than guessing where the most biblically anticipated coach on the planet might end up. But a game that makes fools of the best of us is also easy to second guess, just ask Shebby, he’s made a career out of it. Before you do that make sure you enter your predictions by clicking on the magic link below. Anyone who doesn’t is just chicken.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: football prediction, Josep Guardiola, premiership, Shebby Singh

Mark Lawrenson turns the tables on amateur pundits.

14 Jan

Lawro 'collars' top spot in this week's tables.

Lawro ‘collars’ top spot in this week’s predictions tables.

One of the few delights of a Monday morning is the discovery that your football predictions were better than Mark Lawrenson‘s. Being better at a job that someone else is actually paid to do is a smug satisfaction that many amateur pundits get to regularly enjoy.

But not today I’m afraid. As it is with considerable regret that we have to announce this morning that the man with the endless supply of stripey shirts has turned the tables on all of us. His moustachioed lip, hovering like a storm damaged seagull, is momentarily in full cry as his haul of 5 correct results and 2 perfects scores takes him to the top of this week’s tables.

If this wasn’t bad enough, a casual perusal of his predictions reveals he barely stuck his neck out this weekend (admittedly this can’t be easy given his taste for giant shirt collars). Yet unlike one of our luckless amateurs who was the only person to guess that Chelsea would prevail 4-0 at Stoke, Lawro opted for safety first across the board, with nothing riskier than the odd 2-0 mixed in with his list of low score draws. No wonder he played central defence.

As usual you can find all the results by clicking on the links on our results page. And whilst you’re at it you can ensure that this state of affairs isn’t repeated next week, by making your predictions for the next round of games and hoping that our MOTD pundit has a shocker. Just click on the magic link below to get cracking.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: football predictions, Mark Lawrenson, Premier League

Comments 1 Comment
Categories Premier League 2012/13
Author sporting mouth

The cup of bitterness replaces romance of the cup.

8 Jan

What are the tea leaves telling you to predict?

If we’re honest, the puppy love of the FA Cup is no match for the return of marital strife in the guise of the first meaningful Premier League fixtures of 2013.

Whilst the 3rd round demise of big clubs in small places is always amusing, they’re really just cartoon moments before the main film starts to roll again and we head off into the second half of the season.

Once again the fixture list contrives to keep the pot boiling throughout the weekend. On Sunday we have back-to-back heaviness, with Man United entertaining Liverpool and Arsenal hosting the noisy neighbours. We’ll leave it to the red tops to big up the side dramas.

From a prediction perspective the day before is probably far more interesting. Will ‘Arry’s return to the Lane upset AVB’s equilibrium? Will Norwich be the next side to make Mike Ashley regret giving Alan Pardew an 8 year contract at Newcastle? Will Demba Ba remind Tony Pulis to thump whoever it was that failed his medical at the Britannia? And last but not least will Villa’s defence continue to breach the Trade Descriptions Act?

These are the questions you need to answer this week as you click on the magic link and enter your predictions.

As ever we’ll have the answers on display soon after the final whistle, or as we like to call it, the starting gun, for any ensuing social humiliation for being all mouth no trousers.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: football predictions, predictions, Premier League

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Other Stuff, Premier League 2012/13
Author sporting mouth

Introducing the very first football pundit transfer window.

4 Jan

Could this be the one time of the year when being a Premier League club manager is just like being an ordinary joe. Christmas long gone, New Year a distant blimp and all that now remains are the handful of unspent gift vouchers for shops you rarely use. Just like Big Sam, ‘Arry and Rafa we’re all shopping in the January transfer window hoping that there might be something out there to help us beat the mid-season blues.

To commemorate this bond we’ve decided to launch the first ever transfer window of pundits. As you’ll see from the new way that we’re reporting the weekly prediction results, the Christmas period has seen us emerge as a collection of Groups, in which everyone who plays All Mouth No Trousers gets the opportunity to compete against people they know.

Now we’re offering anyone the chance to introduce new people to their Groups, who they think might fit in well with the assembled squad of players. In the true spirit of the transfer window we’re also offering you the chance to nominate anyone you’d like to move on from your Group. All the details will be included in the next prediction form on January 8th.

The three wise men deliver Group tables for Christmas.

27 Dec

We hope you’ve been able to keepy uppy with the festive programme.

Don’t despair if your team failed to deliver the presents you were hoping for during the last couple of days as we have a special Christmas treat for all our pundits.

Partly inspired by the season of family and friendship, we have launched our new Groups result service, which shows your latest football predictions in a series of player Groups.

The idea is to make your results more meaningful by showing your performance against players that you are likely to know. This means that instead of having to search out your scores within an increasingly long list of unrecognisable names (a bit like the QPR subs bench), you should be able to compare yourself more easily against people whose names are familiar.

To kick off this initiative we’ve created a number of Groups, some large and some much smaller. So if you predicted the Premiership games over the Christmas period you will find your name in one of the Groups.

If you don’t like the Group that we’ve chosen for you or if you want to start your own Group you can let us know on the magic form that contains next weekend’s (and New Year) fixtures here.

Christmas comes early in season high prediction blitz.

18 Dec

This week’s top pickers

Christmas came early for many AMNT pundits this week as our latest tables show a season high number of correct scores and a record equalling number of correct results from the most recent round of Premiership matches.

16% of all predictions made achieved the right score and 57% managed to get the right result. Perhaps we’re all getting better at the fiendishly difficult task of deciding the outcomes of football matches after all.

We’re certainly getting to grips with the performance of the two Manchester clubs. Less than 1% failed to anticipate United’s win over Sunderland, which was easily the most accurately forecast match of the day, followed by City’s win away to Newcastle.

As ever there’s room for improvement. Only one person envisaged Aston Villa winning at Anfield and only 2 people guessed that Spurs would beat Swansea 1-0 (including one of the winners in our weekly table).

You can see the full breakdown of all the predictions made as well as the detailed tables in the usual places on the site. You’ll also notice that we’re making plans for the avalanche of games coming up over the next fortnight (40 matches in total). We’ve decided to deal with the Xmas fixtures in two batches, which means that we’ll be producing our next table on the 27th December and the one after that on the 3rd January. If you want to get ahead of the game click on the magic link below to record your predictions for the first batch of games.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: AMNT tables, Prediction, Premier League

Who will top the table at the end of the world?

14 Dec

The Mayan calendar puts the Community Shield trophy firmly into the shade.

The Mayan calendar puts the Community Shield trophy firmly in the shade.

As we head into another weekend of Premiership action, the idea that the world is going to end next week with Manchester United on top of the table is gaining ground.

Indeed, the possibility that Mayan time and Fergie time are on collision course to produce the most truncated season of all time is now causing genuine concern at AMNT towers.

Even if it brings a sense of urgency to this weekend’s football predictions, which could be the last ones any of us ever make, we hate the idea of a celestial prophecy interrupting the festive season action.

A FAREWELL MEXICAN WAVE?

If the Aztecs end up being right after all and the world does perish on 21.12.2012, it’s a shame that nobody at the Premier League consulted the Mayan calendar before creating the season’s fixture list.

If they had, then the last game of all time might not have been Reading v Arsenal. Even though some Gunners fans might secretly be hoping it is Wenger’s last match in charge they surely wouldn’t want to bow out with the team lying 7th in the table.

The managers most relieved by the prospect of the world ending are probably those in the drop zone. ‘Arry Redknapp will doubtless claim that he’d have lead QPR to redemption but for the Apocalypse. He’ll still be hoping that they claim 3 points before the 4 horsemen arrive after the game with Fulham, but it may all be in vain.

Alan Pardew might be another manager to welcome the world’s end. Newcastle are reverting to the type of form they enjoyed before his arrival and doubtless wouldn’t have chosen a visit from a wounded Manchester City to end time at the Toon.

Elsewhere, Fergie can enjoy his customary overlord of the referee’s timepiece, safe in the knowledge that a visit from Sunderland is unlikely to erase his points and goal difference advantage, and even the great battle of the West (involving Bromwich Albion v Ham United) should be more Hobbit than Lord of the Rings, especially with a character called Big Sam involved.

If you haven’t already done so, please click on the magic link to enter your predictions for what could be the League’s valedictory round of matches – it may be the last thing you ever do. And if there is life on the other side, we’ll let you know how to bet on it.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: End of world, football predictions, Mayan Calendar, Premier League

Our latest table is brighter than the 4th official’s board.

11 Dec

If you hadn’t already noticed, the results of last weekend’s round of predictions are now ready for inspection. To see if your name is shining as brightly as an Oxford Street Xmas direction, check out the blog, which has the latest table as well as the complete record of all the predictions made last weekend.

If you managed to pick up any points from the games at Swansea (who lost 4-3 to Norwich) or West Ham (who lost 3-2 to Liverpool) you are in very exclusive company. And if you managed to accumulate more than 9 points you at least did better than the BBC’s Mark Lawrenson.

Once you’ve seen how you got on you’ll undoubtedly be itching to do it all over again. In which case just click on the magic link and enter your forecasts for this coming weekend’s round of matches.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: AMNT table, Prediction results, Premier League

Comments 2 Comments
Categories Other Stuff
Author sporting mouth

The battle of the Manc bands now takes centre stage.

6 Dec

It must be nearly Christmas, the neighbours are coming over.

The People’s Republic of Mancunia takes centre stage this weekend as the two big Manc bands go head to head at the Etihad.

If this was a gig, not a football game, it could be billed as Fergie’s Greatest Hits versus Dark Side of the Moon, a strange yet curiously befitting analogy for such a musical town.

United’s current attack is like a remix of their last two decades, studded with stadium classics like Robin van Persilroy, Danny Yorkebeck, Ole Gunnar Chicarito and Eric Rooney. The only concern is that some sound technician seems to have mixed in one or two duff B sides into the playlist, which like United’s back four is indefensible.

City on the other hand are like one of those classic prog rock albums from the past, that hogged the top of the charts for an entire year, whilst creating the suspicion that nothing better might follow. This season is City’s notoriously difficult second album moment, and the first few tracks haven’t been entirely convincing. On Sunday we’ll find out whether they’ve got any new crowd pleasers up their sleeve or if the decibel levels justify the noisy neighbours tag.

Even though the race for the title increasingly looks like involving a two-man band, some of the support acts might warrant a decision to leave the beer tent to catch the action on stage.

ROCKING ALL OVER THE LAND

Arsenal v West Brom: There’s a school of thought that Arsene Wenger is the new Charles Aznavour – a popular French crooner back in the day. The problem is the Emirates audience want a bit more Johnny Halladay for their money, yet are slowing realising that they’re unlikely to get it. They might get the points this weekend though, as Steve Clarke’s storming run up the charts has been checked by an inkling that he might be a novelty act after all.

Aston Villa v Stoke: Anyone brave enough to take the mic out of Tony Pulis’s hands better realise he rarely needs amplification anyway. We’re expecting a set of set pieces at Villa Park, choreographed with gusto from the sidelines by Hip and Hop, two of the most enduringly track-suited managers in the Premiership.

Southampton v Reading: The home of hard rock visits St Mary’s, buoyed by a supporting role in the best first half played this season, in last weekend’s 4-3 thriller with United. However those buffeting south coast winds can play havoc with big sound systems, so we’re expecting a round of sea shanties at the end of this one.

Sunderland v Chelsea: As downloads of the Elvis Costello classic ‘I don’t want to go to Chelsea’ storm the football manager’s chart, the interim coach goes in search of his first 3 points at the Stadium of Light. The PA system will inevitably belt out Abba’s ‘Fernando’ before kick off, but it could be ‘Waterloo’ at the end of the game if Rafa fails again.

Wigan v QPR: ’Arry had been expecting a Palladium Xmas panto role this year, but instead finds himself back on the northern club circuit with a band who don’t know one another, let alone their instruments. Good job he knows how to carry a tune then. We’ve a sneaking suspicion he might just carry off the points too.

Everton v Tottenham: AVB’s touchline routines should make him a shoe in for Air Guitar player of the year. But he might have to wait another week to pick up the award as David Moyes’ men have acquired a knack for pulling the plug out of the over-amped at just the right moment.

West Ham v Liverpool: Back in the day this would have been Rolling Stones v the Beatles. Back in the day it might even have been the game of the weekend. Instead, we have a couple of tribute bands to close the weekend festival of football. Not exactly the real McCoy, but potentially good for a singalong.

To make your predictions for all these games please click on the magic link below, then put on your festival wellies.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: battle of the bands, Fergie, football predictions, manchester derby

How many pundits does it take to predict a perfect score?

4 Dec

It might be time to update the old gag about lightbulbs to ‘how many football pundits does it take to predict the correct score in one match?’ Our latest tables suggest the answer contains more zeros than the managerial compensation fund at Stamford Bridge, as quite a few of the score lines from the weekend’s Premier League games went completely un-guessed, even though we had a record number of players attempting to predict the outcome.

This week’s chart toppers.

The only football game which shows you either know your stuff, or know you’re stuffed, welcomed a new squad of players this week, some of whom have already left their mark at both ends of our weekly table (see left and below). As usual you’ll find a full breakdown of all the results on the predictions page, showing who went right and who went wrong.

This week’s bottom feeders

To all those who have just joined the select group of pundits playing AMNT, we can’t offer to make you any better or any worse at second guessing Premiership football, but we can at least promise that everyone will know how you got on.

It’s probably no surprise that nobody envisaged the score at the Madejski Stadium on Saturday when United came from behind once again to beat Reading 4-3. Perhaps of greater surprise was the fact that nobody imagined that Swansea would win 2-0 at the Emirates or that Spurs would triumph 3-0 at Craven Cottage.

The match at Loftus Road between QPR and Aston Villa was by some distance the most accurately predicted score of the weekend (1-1), followed by Norwich City’s win at home to Sunderland (2-1). However what distinguished this week’s winner from everyone else was the ability to foresee West Ham’s win at home to Chelsea (which only 6 people guessed) and Stoke’s win away at West Brom (correctly called by just 2 people).

As the dust settles on last weekend’s results it’s time to start looking forward to the coming weekend. As usual we’ll be publishing our guide to the most interesting fixtures later this week, including the Manchester derby. If you’re itching to get ahead of the game you can do so straight away by clicking on the magic link below and entering your forecasts. Hopefully you’ll enjoy a lightbulb moment as you do this – and if you don’t you can rest assured that everyone will know about it.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: football predictions, Prediction results, Premier League

Games come up faster than a bubble in the team bath.

29 Nov

‘Tap ins’ used to mean something rather different.

As anyone who’s ever experienced the joys of a communal bath will acknowledge, those bubbles rising to the surface rarely come from the Jacuzzi nozzle.

Whilst we wait for one cloud of methane to clear, another is already on its way to the surface as the fixture list keeps pumping out the games.

Scarcely have we had time to publish our latest tables, following last night’s mid-week games, than we’re already in full preparation for a further weekend of action.

To take part in the only game that lets you prove that you either know your shit, or know you’re shit, make sure you enter your predictions before 12.45 on Saturday morning.

THIS COMING WEEKEND’S ACTION

Just like it states on Page 1 of the new training manual at Stamford Bridge, football is about putting your cojonnes on the line. This week we’re putting ours where line-o fears to tread with our guide to some of the weekend action.

West Ham v Chelsea : The battle of the managerial waistbands fittingly kicks off before luncheon at Upton Park as Big Sam and the ‘fat Hispanic waiter’ get to find out who ate all the pies. With both men greedy for points here’ll be no crumbs of comfort here despite the large plate of volauvants in the board room.

Arsenal v Swansea: Flight controllers suspect this could be the least aerial game of the season, a noteworthy irony at a stadium sponsored by an airline, as two passing sides demonstrate who’s slide rule and who’s set square.

Fulham v Tottenham: One manager’s trouser belt would lap the other’s twice according to our dressing room informer. We expect the same on the pitch as the law of the returning player (Dembele and Dempsey) comes back to haunt the hosts, though the same could be said of the visitors (if Berbatov starts).

Man City v Everton: City always win at home and Everton all of a sudden can’t buy a victory. Fergie will be hoping that Moyes might silence the noise, but one suspects those neighbours will have the boom-box too loud to make much difference.

QPR v Aston Villa: The new season of Harry On films continues with our favourite Ealing studios character Mr Redknapp returning to his roots (or should that be hoops), to lead a lusty rendition of the Great Escape.

Reading v Man United: Now that most forecasters have cottoned on to Fergie’s new attacking strategy of conceding first, it would be a brave man to place a zero in Reading’s goals scored column. United rarely do clean sheets these days, so don’t expect the Tide (or Persil or Aerial for that matter) to turn here.

Norwich v Sunderland: One wonders if there are times when Martin O’Neill regrets that he’s not back on the TV sofa being Earnest in a studio full of Erics, a role that seemed to suit him more than his current one. When he comes up against a slightly earlier version of himself (the Norwich manager, Chris Hughton) those feelings might be over powering.

Newcastle v Wigan: Once upon a time Alan Pardew was one of those football managers who seemed to owe rather a lot to good fortune. Sadly for Alan that time appears to be coming round again, with lady luck gone AWOL.

To enter your predictions for these matches please click on the magic link below. And don’t slip up on the bath mat.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: Prediction results, Premier League, Team bath, Weekend action

We are the smartest football predictors on the planet.

26 Nov

All of us are considerably smarter than Lawro

As the latest AMNT results conclusively prove we are now officially the smartest football predictors on the planet. Or at least smarter than the BBC’s Mark Lawrenson, as our collective predictions for each Premiership match (the Wisdom of the Crowd) trump the scousetachioed one each week.

After last week’s horror show when the accuracy of our forecasts fell to a season low of 28% of pundits getting the right results and only 5% perfect scores, week 13 of the new season was a return to terra firma. 42% of pundits got the right result even if the second lowest goal tally of the campaign meant that perfect scores were in shorter supply.

The most correctly predicted game at the weekend was United’s traditional come-from-behind win at home to QPR. Not a single soul missed the chance to back the footballing equivalent of the bleeding obvious, though if Harry Redknapp had been in charge of the Hoops the outcome might have been different.

The weekend’s only other 3-1 scoreline, at White Hart Lane, was the most second guessed and being the last game on Sunday afternoon this meant that for quite a few pundits it must have felt like a last gap winner.

As for Lawro, like his erstwhile former employers, his performance this weekend left him occupying that mid-table slot that nobody apart from Tony Pulis really seems to want. To see how you compared check out the Latest Tables, the overall Leader Board and last but not least the all important Clairvoyants Index.

Once you’ve done that you should be in the right frame of mind to enter your forecasts for the full round of mid-week Premiership games, starting tomorrow night, as well as the usual round of weekend fixtures. As usual, click on BOTH links below to join in the fun (of being smarter than Lawro).

THE MAGIC LINK

THE MAGIC LINK 2

Tags: football predictions, Mark Lawrenson, Wisdom of the Crowd

Abramovich finally wins manager of the month award.

22 Nov

RDM learns that every peanut comes to a salty end.

As the football world says adieu to the peanut headed one and Chelsea fans come to terms with the least popular interim appointment since Jimmy Savile took temporary charge of entertainment at children’s care homes, we ask why so few people saw this coming. Especially when all the usual signs of turmoil at Chelsea were lining up faster than the queue for the physio after a game against Stoke.

Under the circumstances the results of our own pre-season prediction survey are especially ironic. At the start of the campaign, the new West Brom manager (Steve Clarke) was the firm favourite among AMNT pundits to become the first managerial casualty of the season. Instead, like his predecessor (AVB), a game at the Hawthorns proved to be RDM’s last League game in charge, and just like AVB, a defeat in Italy turned out to be the final thorn in his side.

Yet why with so much symmetry in motion is the footballing world so confounded by the latest change at the helm at the Bridge? One would think that after 9 years of replacing the manager every 235 days (the average tenure of a Blues boss according to Statto) we’d all have got used to the fact by now.

MORE FACTS FOR RAFA

Talking of ‘facts’, a subject that the club’s newest coach once spent an entire press conference discussing, here are one or two more for him to learn:

Chelsea have spent approximately £86m since 2004 as compensation for managers – more than Everton’s entire net spend since the Premier League began.
Chelsea had eight managers in their first 70 years from 1905 to 1975, they are now going for a ninth in nine years.
Abramovich has now had as many managers in his nine-year reign as Manchester United have had since 1937.
Chelsea have sacked seven managers since 2005 and won seven trophies.
Only Mourinho and Ancelotti lasted more than a year.

Self-evidently the problem with facts like these is that they encourage certain people to cling to the view that Roman is to football what Stalin was to the Soviet Union (and presumably RDM to Chelsea what General Zhukov was to the USSR). Yet even whilst his team of carpenters further elongate the managerial bench there’s another school of thought that he might actually be quite good for the game.

Without him the Premiership would certainly be far more predictable and settled than has become the custom. By contrast witness the handful of Manchester United supporters that actually come from Salford who have only ever known Sir Alex Ferguson as manager. No wonder they feel there is nothing to look forward to in life. Roman would never stand for that.

Abramovich’s real crime is obviously being richer than God. Where most mortals can only plan one week ahead, our man from Chukotka can plan for eternity. Quite what this must feel like is unfathomable to all bar a few overweight lottery winners who suddenly realise that they can now afford to eat their own body weight every day.

Healthily, Roman’s appetite is only for consuming managers. Having digested the best his only real danger now is that he might start to gain recognition for Chelsea’a achievements during the last 9 years. And if a bloke from the Russian steppes turns out to be the special one there’s hope for us all.

Just make sure that amidst all the excitement of watching the revolving door in SW6 you don’t forget to enter your predictions for the next two rounds of the season, by clicking on the links below. If you fail to do that you might go the way of Di Matteo.

Week 13 Matches

Week 14 Matches

Tags: Chelsea FC, Jimmy Savile, Roberto Di Matteo, Soviet Union

Comments 2 Comments
Categories Premier League 2012/13
Author sporting mouth

Pundits fall like flies as big guns fail to go pop.

20 Nov

This week’s top pickers

After a weekend of errant scorelines there were more than a few pundits breathing a sigh of relief after the return of football inevitability on Monday night.

As our latest predictions chart shows, West Ham and Stoke duly delivered where all others failed to tread. Seldom has a 1-1 draw spared so many blushes and rescued reputations tattered by backing United, Everton and Chelsea to win away from home.

Whilst this week’s table toppers will lord it with some justification, the celebrations might be a tad muted as only 28% of the matches were correctly predicted, with the lowest number of perfect scores all season (just 5% compared to the weekly average of 9%).

In fact if round 12 of the Premiership season had to be characterised as a famous battle, we’d be talking first hour of the Somme rather than injury time at Agincourt. Swathes of perfectly reasonable guesstimates were mown down just as they entered no-man’s land, leaving more than a few pundits relenting their decision to go over the top.

This week’s bottom feeders

As you scan the table in the hope that you’ll find your name amidst the walking wounded, spare a thought for those who did not make it back. By the look of it one poor chap didn’t even get beyond the last rung of the assault ladder, so for the first time this season we have a forecaster who failed to trouble the scorers (perhaps he’d be better off at cricket).

Sadly for him AMNT doesn’t subscribe to the myth of the unknown soldier, so you’ll find his name (and possibly his reputation) buried at the bottom of this week’s table. To add insult to injury Statto’s abacus must have been on the blink and has named him twice for good measure.

For all those still able to withstand the pain of trench foot get ready to salute a double dose of new fixtures. Immediately after this weekend’s games we have the first mid-week delight of a full Premiership programme. So if you want to be mentioned in dispatches, sharpen those bayonets, pen a quick valedictory note home and enter your predictions using the 2 magic links below. Tally ho.

Week 13 Matches

Week 14 Matches

Tags: AMNT table, football predictions, premiership, the Somme

Ibrahimovic goal gives Premiership the bicycle kick.

15 Nov

Who will be turning the table upside down this weekend?

One suspects that training ground exercises at most Premier League clubs will be more life threatening than usual in the next 48 hours. After an evening watching replays of the greatest goal ever scored (watch it here if you’ve only just surfaced from a coma) we could be in for a weekend of re-enactment at grounds around the country. If that’s the case the Monday morning queue for the physio’s services might be a little longer as a result.

However, one difficulty that coaching staff might encounter is that the term ‘overhead bicycle kick’ hardly features in the coaching manuals used by most Premiership clubs. Indeed our own trawl of this august canon of instruction found that the word ‘bike’ usually involves something far less acrobatic than the circus trick performed by Zlatan Ibrahimovic in the recent game between Sweden and England.

Commonly pre-fixed by ‘on-yer’, bike usually to concern ways of dealing with player requests for just about anything from pay demands to permissions to take the wife shopping. Stoke City’s manual is especially instructive in this respect.

Elsewhere the word ‘bike’ has a kaleidoscope of meaning, ranging from a term to describe female player companions to road objects encountered on the way to training when the use of a steering wheel, mobile phone and 4×4 fail to synchronise correctly with other occupants of the road.

Given the proliferation of foreign coaches at Premiership clubs it’s perhaps no surprise that our investigation revealed that ‘overhead bicycle kick’ is confusingly understood quite literally in some quarters as a rather dangerous type of revenge for a piece of malfunctioning gym equipment.

Nonetheless, if you do happen to come across an OBK at any of this weekend’s matches be sure to let us know. Our intelligence suggests that Villa Park might be the most likely place to sight one given the role of the opposition goalkeeper (Joe Hart) in providing the assist for Ibrahimovic’s wonder goal. Less likely venues include Upton Park (where the Hammers take on Stoke City) and Loftus Road, where QPR’s game with Southampton will be remarkable if there any attempts on goal.

Finally, with all the individual talent on show the game of the weekend that pitches Arsenal against Spurs might normally be reckoned a shoe-in for acrobatic goal attempts, yet an early kick-off (at 12.45) usually finds players too rooted to the spot to attempt anything more adventurous than a simulated dive.

If you’re going the aerial route this weekend at least make sure your predictions are firmly on the ground by clicking on the magic link below.

THE MAGIC LINK

Why predictions went the way of the BBC Director General.

12 Nov

Ley lines may explain Manchester’s current football advantage

If you’ve just endured a worse weekend than a BBC Director General you might take some comfort from a recent archealogical find.

Our latest AMNT tables show that the more we travel down certain roads the more likely we are to travel down them again.

That’s why champions become champions again and the same group of teams get serially relegated and re-promoted. It’s in their ley lines.

The idea of football clubs having a destiny is of course as much a feature of the game as the half-time queue for the gents. No team that ever won a trophy can’t point to a moment when fate came off the bench to tuck away a late winner. But it seems that certain clubs have more than a few angels on their side. Some stumble upon the ley lines of former iconic performances, buried deep in the turf like magnetic rails, which somehow they manage to unearth at key moments of vital games to telling effect.

The current league leaders are pressure testing this theory to destruction. United’s new tactic of starting each game in deficit, then playing the rest of the match in fight-back mode is like watching Fergie’s greatest hits. On Saturday, even when leading 2-0, Villa never stood a chance of winning the contest. No matter how well they played, the runes said the game would be level before Fergie time and that United would win with a few minutes to go. This road had been travelled too many times before for it to lead anywhere else.

In other parts of the country the ley lines were more contrary. Tottenham discovered the only precedent for beating both Manchester clubs away from home in the same season was fifty years ago, when City had a different ground, which is why they had to lose. Whilst Chelsea learned that all those tedious draws with Liverpool from the Mourinho/Benitez era are still remembered by every blade of grass at Stamford Bridge. Escaping another one was a groundsman’s fantasy.

Elsewhere, the past came back to haunt the game at St James Park as Big Sam gained revenge for once being given the big elbow up here. Whilst Arsene Wenger and Martin Jol must have been wondering what ancient burial ground they had disturbed beneath the Emirates turf. Seldom have the fates been so unsettled on the course of a football match as they were with this 3-3 draw, not making their minds up till the very last kick of the game when Arteta missed from the spot.

With mystic forces in full rein it’s little surprise that so many of our pundits had a relatively rotten weekend. Yet as in all things, a little perspective leavens the pain. In which case spare a thought for QPR manager Mark Hughes, who presumably thought that the law of averages would finally deliver him a first victory of the season at Stoke on Saturday. A game plan that lasted as long as the pre-match warm up when he bumped into his opposite number Tony Pulis, who like a very knowledgeable DIY retailer pointing at the small print on a bag of cement, reminded him that Stoke’s ground is like quicksand for southern softies. Which is why QPR sank.

We can’t help you fight the forces of nature but we can ensure your predictions for the next round of games wont end up on Newsnight. Click on the magic link and enter them now before we go live.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: BBC Director General, football predictions, ley lines, Newsnight

‘Manchester United Ruined My Life’ is back in circulation.

8 Nov

The Etihad library copy has apparently gone missing

One of the greatest works of modern literature (Manchester United Ruined My Life) by former Guardian journalist and Manchester City supporter Colin Shindler starts off with the author’s recollection of his immortal first night as an undergraduate at Cambridge University in the early 1960s.

He was woken up in the middle of the night by people hammering on his door shouting “they’ve shot Kennedy, they’ve shot Kennedy”. As he regained consciousness he could only think of City’s right back, Bobby Kennedy, admittedly an absolutely liability he thought, but a bit extreme nonetheless to go and shoot the poor wretch.

The book describes the frustrations of being a City supporter and the perennial chip (without gravy) of always being on United’s shoulders, only to be out-pipped at the last. Whilst winning the title in the manner they did last season was certainly pay back for years of emotional damage, you sense that it’s never quite over with the Manchester clubs. Just like Noel and Liam Gallagher, there’s a big brother/little brother spat at the heart of Mancunian football, with fraternal revenge lying in wait around the corner for our kid.

Whilst there is no known Italian translation of Shindler’s book, Roberto Mancini recently bears the demeanour of someone who’s read it from cover to cover. On the cusp of another early doors European exit, whilst their neighbours cruise through to the next stage, and now lagging in the table by more than goal difference, his City team look under siege from within.

Meanwhile the elder brother in this relationship looks more invincible by the game. With returning defensive reinforcements and a glutinous goal scoring centre forward in his pomp, there’s a school of thought that United could turn on the after burners and render the title race a foregone conclusion by Christmas.

Looking at the fixture list, this weekend’s trip to Villa Park should be a stroll in the park for Fergie’s team and a re-acquaintance with a ground that staged one of United’s greatest comebacks when Giggs first revealed to the world that he doesn’t wax. City on the other hand face a team that has already made one very successful trip up the M6 this season. Though hardly their nemesis, Spurs have form for quietening the noisy neighbours and a manager whose reputation needs reparation after last week’s woeful display at home against Wigan.

Elsewhere, the weekend offers the type of football schedule that connoisseurs of prediction adore. A collision of apparent foregone conclusions (Swansea v Southampton) and games where you have absolutely no idea whether there’ll be hatfuls of goals or a bald pate of a goalless draw (Reading v Norwich).

Finally to round the weekend off there’s the edifying clash of the boo boys as the two leading candidates for the Unsporting Personality of the Year come head to head. Terry returns to help kick out racism and Suarez lines up on the other side to ensure Chelsea’s title aspirations take a dive – perhaps literally. It should be quite a moral battleground.

To make sure that nobody ruins your life please enter your predictions for the games coming up by clicking on the magic link below.

The Magic Link

Tags: Cambridge University, Fergie, Manchester, Roberto Mancini

Our man resists Hurricane Sandy storming the table.

1 Nov

Did Sandy take a liberty with our football data?

In the olden days nothing would stop intrepid reporters from filing their stories from the frontline. Ripple dissolve to the present day and we come to the end of a week when the heroic spirit of a bygone age was once more played out in a foreign land, all in the good cause of our noble prediction game.

For reasons that we’ll probably never understand, O Statto, our resident Brazilian data guru, found himself deep in New York City staring down Hurricane Sandy earlier this week. As the rest of us were readjusting the vertical hold on our screens in the wake of Hurricane Clattenburg, which swept through south London on Sunday night, the man who produces the weekly AMNT table was holding off not just the hand of God, but all the other limbs of the divine anatomy, which had unfurled themselves into the most outrageous throat high tackle that the Big Apple has ever endured.

OUR ONE-MAN DEFENSIVE WALL

As the lights went out on Broadway, our very own James Alexander Gordon fought against the tides of Manhattan and the winds of the devil to find the only place in town where the wink of an internet signal was as bright as a 4th official’s time piece.

In a hotel teaming with people who doubtless think football is a game played for 6 second intervals by body armoured persons larger than Yaya Toure, our prediction data was craftily downloaded and muscled through the mayhem. Soon after it was turned into tables and fired back to AMNT Towers for immediate publication.

Hopefully the odds against our tables being delayed a second time by an act of God are longer than Peter Crouch‘s shin pads. Of course if it does happen again, be prepared for the four horsemen of the Apocalypse at the same time, with Lucifer playing in the hole position between Armageddon and Nemesis, as it surely will be the end of the world.

Fortunately it’s only nearly the end of the week, which means it’s time for us to play God once more and determine the outcome of the coming weekend’s Premier League games. As usual the magic link is in position to receive your predictions. We’ve sandbagged it from rising tides, but hopefully not from rising score lines.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: Hurricane Sandy, O Statto, Premier League

Comments 2 Comments
Categories Premier League 2012/13
Author sporting mouth

Clattenburg virus delays publication of the AMNT table.

30 Oct

SAF and RDM contest their placements in the new AMNT table.

The hotly anticipated AMNT table has been delayed by an outbreak of Clattenburg virus, an especially virulent type of malware which interferes with the scoring system on which the results are based.

For reasons that are yet be fathomed, this virus takes exception to the number 9 and for no apparent reason excludes this figure from match formulas, rendering the results incomprehensible to anyone not brought up in the Scottish education system. Fortunately O Statto and his team of data technicians have managed to create a solution (in software parlance a ‘one-eyed jock’) which should prevent this happening again.

AMNT Results

As with all delays, good things will come to those who wait. As you will shortly see, this week’s table topper had an abundance of patience as the only person prepared to wait until the 84th minute for Arsenal to score the solitary goal that won their match against QPR.

Aside from the games at Newcastle and Southampton, which produced a reasonable crop of correct forecasts, the magical 3 points were in short supply. Indeed, 4 of the weekend’s fixtures (at Reading, Stoke, Man City and Chelsea) were entirely incorrectly guessed, leaving many pundits reliant on the relatively safe bets that City, Arsenal and Spurs would all win in order to rack up a token score on the new table. If you picked up less than three points this weekend you are clearly incompetent – in fact we’re calling that a Clattenburg from now on.

If by any chance a referee ruined your weekend all is not lost. Unless you’re standing in the path of Hurricane Sandy the prospect of being found with your trousers lower than usual is not life threatening and unlike Mr. Clattenburg you have the chance of raising them back into position in a few days time (the only cards he’ll be dealing next weekend will be at his wife’s whist drive, as the FA have just suspended him for calling John Obi Mikel a Nigerian).

The mouthwatering list of fixtures, including the reunion of Fergie and Wenger and RVP and Arsenal are all in the magic link below. But remember, no simulation please, we want your real forecasts or you’ll be getting a card from you know who.

THE MAGIC LINK

Whilst Mark Clattenburg has to take some responsibility for the delay in our analysis and reporting of last week’s games I’m afraid Hurricane Sandy has to share it. Our resident data guru O Statto is marooned in NYC as I write without an internet connection. We’re working on it, as they say at the FA, and will have the new tables for your perusal when Manhattan switches back on.

Tags: Arsenal, Chelsea, Fergie, Mark Clattenburg

Comments 6 Comments
Categories Other Stuff, Premier League 2012/13
Author sporting mouth

Premier league scriptwriters prepare for a busy weekend.

25 Oct

Will the Mancunian defence go missing again this weekend?

Like a carefully judged soap opera, the Premiership script writers have been unveiling some intriguing plot lines during the last few weeks. We’ll probably know after this weekend whether they are building into a genuine cliffhanger or just another commercial break, in which case best put the kettle on.

Unless you live on Merseyside the clash of the weekend would appear to be at Stamford Bridge. If the scriptwriters were from the Elizabethan era they would surely cast the game between Chelsea and United as a dynastic power struggle, with Robert of Matteo (a wily courtier in the making if ever there was one) looking to outwit his dastardly uncle and lay siege to the North.

Coming over all Lear like to rage against the dying of the light (in possibly the first ‘hairdryer’ scene in theatrical history), Fergie has dipped into the locker of his memory of past battles and appears to replaying the moves of his treble winning side. As his new triple-decker forward line outflanks opposition defences with unerring precision he sees the goal tally mount. Never mind the fact that they also appear to be flying into the United net at the rate of 2 per game, Fergie has adopted a Keeganesque demeanour of late (how Kevin must really love that) and chosen to score more as his best form of defence.

Or will the misfiring Spanish flintlock jam at the wrong moment?

If not the young pretender, Roberto is certainly the youngest, but has so far managed to hold together his band of mercenaries whilst fresh reinforcements were sought from foreign lands. But as the nights draw in he’ll be mindful that this is the time of year that his troops take their seasonal dive into self-inflicted rancour. With a misfiring Spanish canon often thwarting the rapier thrusts of his new recruits he still has much to prove, especially if he is to quell the roving eye of his great benefactor, the jew from Siberia (as Shakespeare might have characterised Roman).

Will Act 1 scene 9 of the new season prove conclusive or has this skirmish come too early to matter? Either way there will be goals a plenty according to the soothsayers so be careful to check your quiver is full of arrows before you predict this one.

In another corner of the land two neighbouring powers looking to escape the great silverware famine would normally be camped on each other’s doorstep trading insults. Yet the Merseyside derby seems to have lost it’s bite of late. Perhaps all that encouragement to ‘calm down, calm down’ has been taken a bit too literally. Or perhaps it’s just that neither side has a snowflake’s chance in hell of becoming the football force of yesteryear again. But don’t let that deter you from taking a punt at predicting the action which will be suitably fast and furious with the odd slapstick moment thrown in for good measure.

If you haven’t already done so you can make your mind up now about the conclusions to all this weekend’s drama by entering your score predictions in the magic link below. At the same time you might also want to complete our Groups survey before the lights go down and the action resumes (see the magic group form below).

THE MAGIC GROUP FORM

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: Fergie, Poundland, Premier League

Weekend results reveal the hand of the devil at work.

22 Oct

This week’s Top 10

Football prediction should really be treated as the devil’s work because it is clearly all about the details.

At some point in most matches many of us are spot on with our forecast of the outcome, then the detail suddenly decides to follow a different script to the one we had in mind.

The unluckiest pundits are surely those who in the 90th minute of a game are sitting pretty with all three points in their lap. Then some witless substitute ruins it by scoring a goal in injury time, reducing 3 points to just 1, or even worse, 3 points to zero. One or two of you suffered this fate during this past weekend, when either Daniel Sturridge or Edin Dzeko popped up with the goods at precisely the wrong time.

When some of us make excuses, others make off with the bragging rights as our latest table shows. This week’s winner managed 4 perfect scores and got 8 out of 10 results spot on. Without the Wearside derby between Sunderland and Newcastle many of us would be in deeper trouble than we already are – it was our most accurately predicted fixture by some distance. Take a look at the list of predictions to see how many of us called this one right.

WHICH GROUP ARE YOU IN?

In the deepest recesses of AMNT Towers there is a room lined with algorithms and fading pictures of Brazil’s last World Cup triumph, where our own resident Brazilian data guru ‘O Statto’ has invented a new twist to our game.

As well as being able to slide up and down our full table on a weekly basis you will shortly also be able to see your results in different groups. So the people that you most like to beat on a weekly basis are all together in one cosy incestuous table (a bit like the Scottish Premier League).

The cunning part of this is that you get to choose what sort of groups you want to be in. All you have to do is click on the magic form and tick the names of the people you know and Statto’s magic machine will do the rest.

When we’ve done all the maths and worked out the best combinations of people, we’ll then need some names for the Groups. Which is why we’ve also asked for suggestions about these and if they’re any good we may use them too.

When you’ve done that you might feel more in the mood to enter your predictions for next weekend’s matches, which include a Merseyside derby and an encounter between Chelsea and Manchester United. As usual just click on the magic link and let the devil take care of the details.

THE MAGIC GROUP FORM

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: Prediction, Premier League, resulst

Comments 2 Comments
Categories Premier League 2012/13
Author sporting mouth

Our top 5 predictions for the new Premiership season.

16 Aug

Whilst the country still has medals on the mind, it seems timely to announce the results of our predictions for the new Premiership season. Our poll of the likely outcome of the new campaign has been running throughout the summer and Statto and his dedicated team have now completed their analysis of the findings.

Unsurprisingly the wisdom of our pundits hasn’t been corrupted by all the pre-season hype and bravado that clubs typically project at this time of year. Instead, they largely think that the main gongs will be swinging from the same necks that they adorned last time around. If you support Liverpool, Newcastle or Tottenham or any of the three promoted teams from the Championship this could be the first ‘look away now’ moment of a long ten months as these are our top 5 predictions:

1. The Top Four

Doubtless we’ll see the majority of the professional pundits go for a similar looking top 4 to the AMNT forecast. Though if the Mancunian tug-of-war starts to become a sideshow, there might be an opportunity for a blind-sided run by someone else. Arsenal, whose obsession with silverware (and the lack of it) has to be keener than a Brasso sales rep, might be one candidate to bear in mind. The general consensus is that Wenger has reinforced the side wisely. However the table never lies and by the time that the 38th round of games is complete this is the predicted order:

Manchester City
Manchester United
Chelsea (just)
Arsenal

2. The Golden Boot

He may not have Caroll’s hairs but he scores more goals.

Before Ferguson loosened his van purse strings and got Arsenal to RSVP to RVP’s desire for a move up north, the jury was undecided as to whether Robin or Wayne would be the new season’s top scorer. Now that they play for the same club the logical presumption is that United will go on a goal rampage this term. This may be bad news for pundits who tend to swing low when it comes to forecasting. Mancunian one-nil score lines could be as rare as a sunny day in Oldham in the months ahead. But don’t expect Rooney to go dutch with his new strike partner on the scoring responsibilities. More of our pundits see him wearing the golden boots by May.

3. The Golden Booted.

Re-arrange the letters and they read ‘first for the chop’.

Following apprenticeship roles with Mourinho, Zola and Dalglish, it seems that Steve Clarke is favourite to be seeing more of the family during the new season. Certainly more than Mark Hughes at QPR or Nigel Adkins at Southampton – the two men he pipped for the first to be chopped prize. In some respects this seems a little harsh on Clarke whose only crime has been to linger a little too long at the back of the class. Obviously the same cannot be said for some of his classmates. Villas Boas and Rodgers lurked at the back of our shortlist, and the former’s need to rehabilitate his CV will not only be one of the more interesting side-shows of the new season, but must make him a dark horse to become the departed one, early doors.

4. Plonker of the Premier League.

Because Joey’s banned for a third of the season..

Having removed himself from contention by being ineligible for the first 12 games, Joey Barton is no longer the shoe-in for our plonker of the Premier League award. Rather surprisingly he barely makes the shortlist, which was dominated by Rooney and you know who. The comic book villain of the year looks more certain to be Balotelli, purely on the grounds that this is the prize that he’d most want anyway. He’s that mad. As he faces the prospect of being excluded by an Argentinian strike force (where have we heard that one before) with Tevez and Agguero seemingly Mancini’s favoured pairing, it may require a few Exocets from Mario to draw our attention. And he’s comfortably in range to do that.

5. Down Your Way.

‘Oh when the Saints came marching in, it seems they had a look around and marched out pretty quickly’. Whilst it doesn’t quite scan as a terrace chant the AMNT poll suggests what goes up must come down – in this case Southampton and Reading. This season’s yo-yo riders will be joined by the now customary W team – last season it was Wolves, this year one of West Brom, Wigan or West Ham. In hindsight we should have asked who would make the great escape from the drop, as this would have been a more interesting question. In any case here are the teams who’ll be humming the Great Escape the loudest as the season unfolds.

Southampton
Reading
Any team beginning with W

Let’s be having you.

Now that we’ve decided the outcome its time to play the proper game. The new Premier League season kicks off again on Saturday – to make your mind up about the results of the first weekend enter your predictions here. We’ll be publishing the results on Monday, so you won’t have long to wait to find out if you’re all mouth or no trousers. As usual we’ll be awarding 3 points for a perfect score and 1 point for the wrong score but right result. That’s it. Anything else is a big fat zero.

Tags: Arsenal, football predictions, Manchester, Premier League

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Art of Prediction
Author sporting mouth

Fergie flinches at cost of a Brazilian (and other hair raising stories)

25 Jul

Sir Alex bracing himself for a Brazilian

No wonder the beauticians of Salford are struggling to make ends meet. Sir Alex Ferguson the unwitting creator of so many footballers wives is now baulking at the cost of a Brazilian. Whilst the rest of the world waxes lyrical at the thought of one adorning their squad Sir Alex has decided to land his strip elsewhere. £30 million for Lucas Moura would just lead to a nasty rash it seems.

It’s also possible that the Glaswegian’s purse is poised to pounce elsewhere. Van Persie’s availability seems to have set the Mancunian managers on edge. The prospect of the Dutchman joining the Arsenal of the north rather than moving to Old Trafford has the ring of title decider about it, even before a ball has been kicked. Yet in the blue half of the city the arrival of RVP in a red jersey on their doorstep would be about as welcome as a housing benefits inspection.

In some respects the main Premiership managers have swapped roles this year. Whilst Fergie’s slowing down has extended to United’s transfer activity, his long term adversary (who left his shopping rather late last summer) appears to have hit the sales with vigour. With Giroud, Podolski and maybe now Santi Cazorla on board Robin can go fly solo as far as Arsene’s concerned.

DVD goes shopping again

Even at White Hart Lane the scene of Harry’s last chance saloon bar for these past 4 years has been brushed aside for a shiny new bistro. In charge of the kitchens one more time DVD (as the man with a penchant for video replays is known) has been given more money to burn than he even had at Chelsea. Yet so far the same problem he had last season of not enough ink on the dotted lines of new recruits looks set to haunt him.

Those fortunate enough to have a squad that warrants little further adornment might be the real winners this summer. Newcastle spring to mind, especially if they manage to pull off the transfer coup of the decade and buy back for a few tins of Newcastle Brown a player that they recently sold for a Kenny’s ransom.

Will any of this transfer activity make a blind bit of difference to the season ahead? If you think not, proceed straightaway to our 2012/13 Premiership predictions survey. If you think it might, than better hang back like Fergie to avoid getting stung.

Tags: Alex Ferguson, Robin van Persie, Santi Cazorla, White Hart Lane

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Categories Other Stuff, Transfer Windows
Author sporting mouth

Fantasy Football knocked out by transfer window game.

22 Jul

Has the Fantasy game become a bit pointless?

The 2012/13 Premiership season has yet to kick off but it already has its first casualty. It would appear that the game of Fantasy Football may be hitting the skids, with some of the best known versions of this past-time suddenly announcing that they are now free to play – presumably because fewer people want to pay.

It would be nice to think that Fantasy Football’s misfortune is AMNT’s success.Like a well-judged sliding tackle could we have nicked the public’s interest in football prediction and taken it upfield?

The truth is actually more worrying for the inventors of Fantasy Football. The game they originally designed has recently been rendered rather pointless by the Premiership clubs version of the game. Formerly known as the transfer window this game has now closed the gap between fantasy and reality in football so thoroughly that there’s arguably now more fantasy in the real team game than in the one we imagine.

The best thing about the real game is obviously that there’s only one version of each player. Anyone can have a Van Persie in their virtual team as Sir Alex Ferguson and Roberto Mancini know only too well. We’ll find out quite shortly which one of these two gents is a proud owner of a Dutch master and which one will have to make do with the Athena print.

As the pre-season becomes momentarily eclipsed by the arrival of Sports Day (as the UK police term the Olympics), the big question remains – will it be a record year for transfers as some pundits seem to think or will it be a summer of more money swilling around the same league with relatively little going overseas?

We’ll have all the answers in a little over a month’s time. In the meantime here’s some food for thought as you contemplate your pre-season predictions:

5 random transfer trends

Last summer top-flight clubs spent £485m on players, up 33 per cent on 2010.
The average cost of a Premier League player jumped to £6.40m, a 16 per cent increase.
2011 was the second summer in a row when midfielders cost more on average than strikers
The typical man in the middle cost £7.42m compared to £6.78m for forwards.
Spain’s Euro 2012 triumph with no recognised strikers might make them an endangered specie.

Tags: Fantasy Football, Premier League, Robin van Persie, Sports

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Other Stuff, Transfer Windows
Author sporting mouth

Construction underway as Premier League rebuilds.

9 Jul

Six weeks from kick-off and the Premier League is one of the world’s largest building sites. Like the holiday destination favoured by so many of its employees the forthcoming season currently resembles the Dubai sky line. A frenzy of men in hard hats building sky scraping fantasies from seemingly non existent foundations. And they say Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Currently the loudest drilling noises come from White Hart Lane, where the would-be reinventor of Chelsea appears to have been given a 2nd chance to overhaul a squad. Yet with new managers also in place at Carrow Road, Anfield, Villa Park, Swansea and maybe Wigan to come, this could yet be the busiest ever player transfer market.

A genuinely big investment bubble has been long anticipated, with each of the last few seasons threatening to become one before reality caught up with expectation. This time however the rush to register new players before the transfer window closes could test the stamina of the FA’s fax machine beyond its limits.

Wenger concerned about falling masonry.

Whilst the clubs with new managers (currently 25%) might be expected to generate the biggest clouds of dust, rebuilding activity is widespread. The top 4 clubs are not exempt, with each currently adding essential extensions to their battlements and in one or two cases anxiously watching for falling masonry as prized assets threaten to sheer off.

The dust must settle by midnight on August 31st when the transfer window closes. By then we’ll all have a better idea about which team has successfully reinforced its foundations and which could be courting a wobble by mid season. Before then comes the big challenge of deciding how the new season will play out. The AMNT pre-season survey asks all the key questions, from the identity of the likely top 4, to the 3 teams who will probably go down. Pundits have until August 18th to complete it, when all the answers will go into the AMNT data bank to be analysed by our team of statisticians.

If you’d like to take part, click on this magic link. Your clairvoyancy will be rewarded.

Comments 1 Comment
Categories Transfer Windows
Author sporting mouth

Our latest table is a few screws short of the one at Ikea.

18 Apr

Statto’s idea of a decent work surface.

Assembling this week’s table has required the patience of an Ikea enthusiast. After a few games on Saturday, another on Sunday, one on Tuesday and now three more last night, we can finally see what has being lying in bits and pieces on the carpet for the last few days.

The good news is that it resembles a table (click here to see for yourselves), just about bearing the results of all last week’s predictions with customary clarity. The bad news is that just like QPR, it falls over in a heap if you apply any pressure to it, so don’t bang it too hard if your football genie went AWOL last weekend.

Those feeling the pressure in our table aren’t hard to spot. Anyone thinking Paulo di Canio would fail his big test in the Tyne Tees derby was clearly a few Allen Keys short of the full toolkit (just like that box with the Swedish flag on it). Whereas anyone who mustered more points than Lawro (who had one of his better weeks) can proceed straight through to check out – we’ll even send round an assembler to spare you the pain of doing it yourself.

If DIY is a dirty word in your household then please spare a thought for all at AMNT towers, who on a daily basis have to suffer the bangs of O Statto’s attempts to remodel our office with a casual disregard for safety seldom found outside the favelas. No wonder his fellow countrymen are struggling to get their arenas in a row for next year’s carnival de fut. If you’re going to Brazil, taking your yellow hat with you might be the best advice.

Wondrously we have all the joists and girders of our game in place a for a fabulous round of matches this weekend. So when you’ve brushed off all that masonry dust click on the magic link below to enter your forecasts. Then stand back back and watch them collapse.

THE MAGIC LINK

Tags: AMNT, Ikea, Premier League, Tables

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